Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
