I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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