I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
