I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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