I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just found a bag of teeth...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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