I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
