hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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