Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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