Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
