More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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