someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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