the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
