His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
