I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
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Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
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The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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