this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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