How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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