I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
