i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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