One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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