i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
