allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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