awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
