was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
