Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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