I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
