Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
