I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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