I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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