how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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