remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Randomize
