Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
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I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
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I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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