I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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