Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
As shirtless as possible
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
