So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
