do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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