My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I need a beard to bite.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
