The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
