I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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