Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
