the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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