he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
