It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
