Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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