If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
