God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
