I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
