Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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