I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
