I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
worst night to have a conscience
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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