ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
