my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
