I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
