69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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