I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
