yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
His hands were made for my vagina.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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