listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
