i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
