Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
