I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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