He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
