So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
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Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
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I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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