At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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